My Father & Heroin

Growing up, my dad did not seem like he had any issues or addictions. But I was also young and didn't know much about any of that. Who knows, maybe he did way back then and just hid it well. But I know when I got older, my mom would tell me about how my dad used to be into marijuana, and used to grow it himself. It caused a lot of arguments between my mother and father, especially when at one point, from my understanding, the marijuana plant was more important than I was to him. I'm unsure as to if he was into any other drugs at that time or not. I knew, as I got older, that he ended up drinking beer a lot.

My father used to have a bit of land in New York that he stayed at during the summer, and there were always a ton of beer cans scattered around everywhere. Sometimes I didn't think anything of it. Other times, I definitely worried about how much he was drinking. Now, when I think back on it, I wish I would have known that was one sign of an addiction. Years went on, then after I turned 18, back in 2008, and had some money saved up in the bank, my father would come ask me to borrow money, and he would write out checks to me that he would then take me to cash for him. Of course, he was my dad and I loved him and could not tell him no. At first, nothing bad had happened. But then one day I had found out he had ended up going to jail. It was due to writing bad checks, and when I went to use my bank one day, they pulled me aside to talk to me about my account, and told me that bounced checks made my account -$4,000. I knew then that it was because of my dad. Of course, I didn't understand why, until I put two and two together. The one day I had rode with him down to the bank and home, he seemed so tired and dazed.

He started to veer off the road a little. I freaked out and grabbed the steering wheel at one point. I thought that something was definitely up, but was not sure exactly what it was. Later, I realized it was drugs. Of course, he told me he was just 'tired' because he used to pick up trash in the middle of the night, and he had told me that he had not gone to bed yet. Well, I did find out that he did not just go to jail due to the checks, but he also somehow managed to steal from his job. I was upset because of what he did with my account, but of course he was my father and I loved him, so I partially forgave him. He apologized to me for it, but I have never forgotten what he did, so I was definitely cautious with allowing him to borrow any more money from me at that point on.

Fast forward to January 2012. At that time, I was dating the father of my second daughter. I had also been a few months in working for the same farm my father did, which he found through a rehab house that helped him get back on his feet. I would do cow auction catalogs, which just had information from the pedigree of the cows they were selling. My dad would text me, or call and tell me that his girlfriend was in severe pain from some disease she had and asked for a few vicodin that I had leftover from my wisdom tooth surgery a month prior. I was cautious because it definitely did not sound legit to me. But I did give him the benefit of the doubt and gave him a few. After a couple times, I stopped when he seemed to need it more frequently. And suddenly, I had stopped hearing from him.

I eventually found out that he was stealing again, this time from his farm job, and ended up robbing somebody at an ATM. (Although this robbery could have been from 2008, but I can't exactly remember time-frame) He went to rehab again, and I knew it was the addiction again causing all this. He ended up getting clean and had lived in a group home for a while. I think at one point he was homeless though.

Winter 2015, I was pregnant with my son. My father occasionally tried to clean up. He would ask for help as far as money goes, but I was struggling at the time so I couldn't help much. He asked me a few times to ask my mom. $10 for gas here and there, ask if she wanted to buy some gift cards from him etc. We reluctantly helped him a few times. One of those times, I rode with my mom to give him 'gas money'. When we got to him, I could tell he was going through withdrawls. He was twitching a little and 'itchy'. I knew this money was not for gas at all. Unfortunately, now, I feel it was all my fault that he died in February 2016. During all of these incidents, when cleaning his places he stayed, my family found needles and spoons.

At the farm, in the house he was staying in, we were informed that there were a ton of needles found everywhere. I feel like my funding his habits, whether by money or medication, is what led him back to getting heroin. But this time, it was laced with fentanyl. They found him in the bedroom on his knees, needle still in his arm I believe. I was devastated at the news. It's still quite fresh in my mind, and making me cry as I type this -- knowing my dad is truly gone. Even though he had his flaws, he was still a great man and father. He was funny and when he could, he would help me money-wise. He gave me advice, he was also proud of me when I told him I started going after my dream and going to school for veterinary, which unfortunately I had to stop because I cannot afford it.

Addiction is not fun to experience or see. It is scary. People are able to hide it well if they want to, and will not admit to wanting or needing help. It is a disease that can take over and destroy families and lives. If you or somebody you know has an addiction, or if you suspect it, please get help. It could mean life or death, especially with all these drugs being laced these days.

#Addictionisnotfun