A Little About My Mom Journey

So I figured I would tell you all a little bit about me, how and when I became a mom and the struggles and accomplishments I have gone through to bring me to where I am now. It all began back in 2007, when my first daughter was born. I was 17 at the time, and though I thought I was ready for a child, I definitely was not. Her father and I had been on and off a lot, and in the end, he knew how to use his words with the court to get primary custody of her, and I only get visitation. I regret this, but the past cannot be changed, only the future. In 2008, he and I had gotten married, but it did not last. He got rough with me, I got upset and decided it was best to end it. We got an annullment 2 months into the marriage. The courts did not count this marriage as official since it was not very long.

I struggled with my daughter, taking care of her from the beginning. I was excited and wanted to breastfeed, but with being so young, and so misinformed, I was unable to make it long at all, and she ended up being bottle fed. It definitely made my mood drop and I felt like a failure at times. Waking up in the middle of the night with her was very hard on me, and eventually I was diagnosed bipolar and with depression again. (I had depression back in middle and high school) Even being on medication, it was hard to be up in the middle of the night with her. Of course, as she got older and stopped waking up, it got easier for me. But I still was not very responsible, and pawned her off a lot on my parents and grandparents to help take care of her, take her outside, play with her etc.

2012 comes around, and a guy I knew and had been in a 'relationship' with in middle school reconnected with me. We talked, hung out a few times and our feelings seemed strong for each other still, so we decided to start dating. Being young still, and not feeling very responsible, but thinking I wanted another child, we ended up getting pregnant with my second daughter. But as time went on, him and I did not get along. He felt I was being lazy, I was in a technical college but dropped out of my classes because the pregnancy was hard on me physically. My back hurt constantly and I couldn't stand to sit in the chairs all day. I am very short, only 5 foot, so all my pregnancies have been tough physically because of that.

Anyways, to continue about my second daughter. Her father and I ended up being on and off a lot for 3-4 months or so, until I finally found out he was cheating on me and decided to end it. It was hard on me to say the least. Every time he would walk out on me, I got extremely emotional but I refused to be put on medication while pregnant. I wanted to try to do everything right by her. We would get back together and this went on for months. After we split, he immediately ended up with some girl from work that I knew he was fooling around with. I was so angry, and of course hurt. I did let him be in the room though during delivery, because I felt he should experience that and I was hoping he would regret not being with me. He did on and off. But we never got back together. I just was not wanting to deal with cheating and on and off constantly. My second daughter was born, and I successfully got to breastfeed her for at least 6 months. But as my supply diminished, I felt so guilty trying to give her a bottle that she would not even accept. It was hard on me, and at times I got very upset and angry. I had gotten a bit rough with her, not anything like abuse, but I was scared one day I would get so frustrated and rough I might hurt her, so I decided to be put on medication again for my depression and bipolar. It helped immensely, but the thoughts of when I got frustrated and rough with her, still haunt me to this day. I wish I could go back in time and reverse all that.

I ended up getting primary custody of her, but I worked it so she would visit her dad when she was on solid food completely, which was about a year or so. Until then, I allowed her father and his wife to come visit at my parents, where I had been living during her first year of life. I ended up getting my own home, which was hard on me. I had my best friend living with me for a while to help take care of her, which I am grateful for because as a single mom, and it felt like the first time for me since my first daughter was not with me, I definitely needed the help. Eventually she moved back home because she missed her family, and I was alone again with my daughters. I felt better as my second daughter got older, and I felt like I could actually do the parenting thing.

There were times where I would go over to my mothers, or grandmothers, and pawn her off a lot. I did not take her outside and play because I was lazy. I felt like I did not know how to play with a toddler. When younger, that was easy. I was also pretty addicted to playing the computer. Even with medication, it didn't help any of that. I have had jobs on and off that I never keep either due to the bipolar. Everyone tells me I use that as a crutch, but I definitely do not. I wanted to work, but I wanted to find something I enjoyed. As time went on and my daughter turned 2, I ended up being on dating sites and dating a few guys here and there. Then, one day I was contacted by a guy I went to high school with. I didn't know him well during that time, but I knew him and of him and he was a quiet but funny and sweet guy.

We got to talking, and one day I decided to invite him over. He told me he technically was no longer in a relationship with the girl he was living with because she had been cheating on him for quite a while and he was finally tired of dealing with that as well as her psychotic tendencies and abuse. So we hung out a few times, and I am always one to wear my heart on my sleeve. I jumped into a relationship with him. At the time, he was also talking to another girl, and I found out that on the first couple days we were dating, he had cheated on me. I got so upset, made him block this girl and stop talking to females for a long time. I did not trust him for a long time either. We planned a trip 2 months into our relationship to go to Virginia Beach for a vacation. I chose a weekend I did not have my daughters so that we could go just ourselves and enjoy and get to know one another better. 5 months into our relationship, I ended up pregnant. I was not ready, I was not expecting it, and I ended up very depressed again. So much so that I decided it was safer to be put on a low anti-depressant. It took 2 months before I was put on it because I had mixed emotions beforehand and did not want to decide anything, nor did I really want to be put on them due to the risks. But in the end, it was better to be safe than sorry.

Then, I was hoping it was a girl because I did not want to have to deal with and make decisions on everything that comes with having a boy. Of course, when I found out the baby was a boy, I cried, not tears of joy, but I was upset. And scared. I didn't feel ready for another baby, nor a boy at that. This was the point when I was put on a low antidepressant. I also started to do my research on things, starting with circumcision. Did I want him to be circumcised? What if I didn't want to torture him? What about all the care that comes with having to take care of a wound like that? I couldn't fathom to put him through that pain, nor deal with that sort of wound and more pain on him. So yes, I decided he was to be uncircumcised. As long as you take care of it properly, it is not disgusting. It is normal. It is the way God created men. I'm sorry if you feel otherwise, this is just how I feel. During this time of research, I also decided to research vaccines, more on circumcision, then it lead into better, organic eating and healthy alternatives. There is so much information to be found, and I love researching.

During my whole pregnancy, not once did the relationship be on and off. He was there to stick it out with me, which helped my depression some. I was still overwhelmed and depressed, but he was there with me and for me and for that I am very thankful. I don't think I could tell him enough, if I even did. Of course, it was his first, and he did not seem very ready either, but we conquered it together. During the last few months of my pregnancy, I ended up developing a condition called ICP (intrahepatic cholestasis of pregnancy, which I will post about later on). May of 2016 I had to stop working due to how bad it had become, the itch was unbearable. So I stayed home, and during this time I had been trying to go to an online school for veterinary. Something I had always wanted to be since I was young and in kindergarten. Of course, finances did not allow me to continue unfortunately, so I gave that up.

Finally June comes around, and an induction date was set. Well, this little boy decided he wanted to come early, which, thankfully they had given a steroid to develop his lungs just in case he was preemie and came early. But he decided at 37 weeks he wanted to come. I was thankful it was not earlier than that. I thought I was having contractions, so I went to the women's hospital. Sure enough I was, but they were not consistent enough to deliver, so they sent me home. They changed the induction date to a day earlier due to the contractions coming on more and stronger over the weekend. June 13th, I delivered my first son. He ended up having issues due to the cholestasis, so he had to stay in the NICU for a week. Thankfully, they let us room in there, where normally they would send us home.

His father took off from work to stay with us, especially since it was his first child. I loved that he did that, because I felt that none of the other guys I had been with would have done anything like that. We had hard times at the hospital due to the decision not to circumcise, but in the end we went home and everything was fine. I got to breastfeed him until he turned 2, when he decided he was done and no longer wanted to. That made me feel great that I was able to successfully nurse him so long, compared to my daughters. He has also been very healthy, aside from some possible autistic spectrum issues that we are currently taking care of and assessing. But they will not diagnose him officially until he is older.

In February, we decided to make things official and get married. We wanted to plan a nice wedding down the road, so we planned -- well, technically I did. ;) August 19, 2018 we were officially married in front of our friends and family. And we are still going strong to this day. We have had our ups and downs, and one point where he felt he needed a break and was tired of everything so he left for a day, but regretted it immediately. But we both decided a few days away would be good. Then he came home and things have been better since. When we got married, he decided something that shocked me completely, and made me cry.

My father passed away early February 2016. Sure he had his bad flaws about him, but he was still my dad and I loved him very much. Well, one day, my now-husband Ryan decided to text me and tell me that he wanted to take MY last name. He said because the kids had mine, and he did not want to cause the issue of trying to change our son's, nor make our youngest daughter feel left out, and because he knew how much my dad meant to me and one day our dream of having a farm and homestead, he took mine. My dad had made a small bit of land a farm, and named it Kaeberlein Farms. So Ryan decided one day, we will fulfill that dream. For me, and for my father. Ryan is such an amazing man, and I am so grateful to have found him, and get to keep him as my husband. So, this is the story of the Krazy Kaeberleins and our family shenanigans and chaos! I hope you enjoy! #thekrazykaeberleins